The Derp Chronicles: Side-quests Are A Crocker
by JohnEgbert 413
Summary: John Egbert feels rather bored; what exciting adventures await for him today! (This was mostly made for the punch line, so it gets a little repetitive)


Today was different, or he should say the same, but he was going to do something different. John tried to hang out with his friends, but they're always busy. Dave said he was working on "sick fires and ironic beats", Rose was usually knitting or writing a story, you think. And Jade was... Well, Johns honestly not sure what she was off doing. She has so many interests and hobbies that it was hard to say what she was doing exactly. At first, this was understandable, as he were busy too. John had some serious pranks to pull off and movies to watch, but as time went by, he began to tire of his daily routine. He was also getting tired of the smell of bakery, the smell of pure evil, filling his nostrils every hour. So, today, he'd do something different, a detour from his usual routine. Today, he would go on an adventure!

Though, hes not quite sure where to start.

He has an idea. He'll walk around. Yes, at first, it doesn't sound like the most exciting quest, but there could a need for his assistance. If nothing else, it'll just be nice to get out the house. You consider grabbing anything before you leave, such as a phone or any communication device, but this thought is quickly pushed away with the random thought of if he should put fecal matter on his desk. He considers this thought for a moment before realizing how stupid the thought is. Though, the desk is quite alluring, the thought itself is entirely idiotic. He exits his room and goes down the stairway. The sugary smell of evil can be detected even stronger now. John must leave immediately before even more sugary evil penetrates his nose.

"Ah, how the marvelous greeting of the day can lead to the harshest of goodbyes at night."

John is absolutely sure someone said that. Anyway, he takes a moment to enjoy the sunlight and the wind. He has felt neither in quite some time. He begins his adventure by walking towards the park. Maybe he'll find a quest along the way and be a good Samaritan. Or maybe not. He could be wasting his time entirely. But it's such a nice day out, so he'll do it anyway.

It's only a few minutes and he could already see someone in need of his assistance. This thought alone makes going outside entirely worthwhile, as helping a fellow being can only be matched with pulling off a hilarious prank on them. It would seem that an elderly lady needs help across the street, but the stop lights have yet to turn red for several moments. John believes it is broken, leaving this poor woman to stand and wait for a kind Samaritan, like himself to come along.

"Hello ma'am," he starts, his teeth sticking out as he smiles. "Would you like help across this street?"

She looks at him in confusion for a moment, but then responds, "Why yes I would young man. Thank heavens you came. I need to go home to take care of my precious Cupcake, but this machine won't let me pass."

"Don't you worry ma'am, I promise I'll fix this A-SAP! I'll go and personally find a mechanic to fix this."

The elderly woman smiles at him. "Thank you young man. Don't get into trouble for this little old lady though."

Trouble? Ha! He is John Egbert. Trouble fears him. Besides, hes just finding a mechanic. John decides to go to the local one, as he is absolutely sure they'd help a poor elderly woman in distress. As he walks into the store, he notices an abundant amount of towels on the floor, damped in water. The owner of the store, one with the extremely common name of Frank, looks to be in a pickle. He's standing behind the counter, trying to conduct business as usual. John thinks he might busy with his plumbing, but he must help that elderly woman. Only a scoundrel would break their promise to the elderly.

"Hello Sir." You say cheerfully.

He looks at you with a tired and irritated face. "Hi. Do you need something?"

"Yes Sir. Could you fix the stop light a few blocks from here?"

He blows air from his lips.

"Of course I can. One of the first things I learned how to fix. But I can't. As you can see," he gestures to his store, "I'm a bit busy right now. I know electronics. Not plumbing. And that plumber is taking his sweet time getting here."

An idea pops into John's head. "What if I go get the plumber and bring them directly here? Would you be able to fix the light?"

The idea sways in the man's mind before his replies, "Sure Kid. You do that, I'll fix the light."

Yes! One step closer to helping that women. Or, one more further, he should say. He exits the store. John must now find a plumber. While he doesn't know one that's in walking distance, he does know that the carpenter has had some training in plumbing. How would he know that? Ah, now that is a story for another day. In any case, this will most certainly be the end of his journey. He enters the carpenter's store and felt the immediate heat, as if the A.C. had been off for several months. The woman standing behind the counter was sweating immensely.

"Hello ma'am." He greeted her with.

She looks at you him a weary expression.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes. I know that you have some training in water workings, and I wanted to ask if you could fix the mechanic's plumbing."

She hesitates before saying, "Sorry Pal, I can't right now. My A.C. died awhile ago, and I've been waiting for the electrician to come here and fix it, but I've been waiting for hours."

He sighs a little inside as he says, "If I found someone to fix it, would you be able to fix the mechanic's plumbing?"

"Of course! I'd gladly go if you could bring my A.C. back to life."

He exits the store. He knows what's going to occur next. This truly is an adventure, as he is being forced on pointless side quests. He needs to find someone who can fix A.C. now. Luckily, the local herbalist must know how to fix A.C., to keep their plants at fair temperatures in this raging heat. He thinks to give up, but the thought of abandoning that poor, helpless elderly lady to suffer in this scorching heat drives him forward.

He enters the herbalist's store, and to his surprise, nothing is wrong. An elderly man sits in a chair near the door.

"Why hello there, you like sprout, what can I do for you today?"

John somewhat tired and ready to return home, so he answers quickly.

"I'm well Sir. If I may ask, could you fix the carpenter's A.C.?"

He thinks about it for a moment before responding.

"If I do, may I ask a favor in return?"

John was expecting this. "Yes Sir."

"Very good Son. As you can see, I don't have a hat." He taps on his hat-less head.

Oh, the poor head, how it dreams of once more having a hat for protection. The many hot days and cold nights it must have suffered. John is going to write that in his amazing-random thought log later. Shoot, he was forgetting to pay attention to what the man was saying.

"-ago. So, as you can tell, me not having that hat anymore leaves me quite sad indeed. So, this old man asks you if you can get him a ranching hat, just like the one my sister got for me, all those years ago."

Drat. Why wasn't he paying attention? All well. You'll figure something out. "Yes Sir."

There was only one place that he knew of where you could get a hat. The local amusement park had a booth where you could win one. He could easily buy one instead, but hes almost entirely positive that he can win one. After jogging to the park and buying a ticket, he reaches the booth, only to discover that the last hat has been won by a small child.

"Hi there, little girl." He says, trying not to frighten her.

She looks at him timidly. "Hi."

"Could I have that hat you have there?"

She turns the hat away from him quickly. "No! It's the only thing I won all day! I wanted a big teddy bear, but Mommy says I used too much money."

He knew this would happen. He sighs. "If I get you a teddy bear, will you give me the hat?"

She jumps in excitement and gives John a hug. "Yes yes yes! If love to have that big plooshy one up there!" She points to the grand prize of a game. This time for sure. This will be the end of his quest.

"Don't worry little girl, I'll get you that bear."

It's one of those Whack-A-Mole games. No sweat. As soon as he walks to the game though, another person walks beside him. He seems to be a bit older than John and has a punkish look to him. He looks at John and gives him a sneer.

"Betcha think ya' gonna win somethin', huh? Well guess what pal? I've been winnin' all the prizes at this here place all day, so I hope ya' ready ta fight for your prize."

This guy means business. John had better be on his A-Game. There's only one major prize left, and that's the teddy bear. The game begins, and the two of them are whacking moles as if the moles would end the human race if not. Oh, how the mole population would be shocked if they knew how many moles John was slaying. They'd acknowledge him as their Supreme Leader if they had the thinking capacity to do so. Which they might. Darn it, John wasn't paying attention again and missed one. The game ends and the punk wins, predictably choosing the bear as his prize.

"Hey, is there anything I can do to get that bear?" John asks him.

He laughs in his face. "No! That'd be stupid! I won this here bear in a game of skill, skill you clearly ain't got."

Not only is his rudeness angering John, but also his stubbornness to not relinquish the bear. "So there's nothing I can do to change your mind on that?" He asks him, your annoyance in full drive.

"Didn't ya' hear me the first time? Now get lost!"

That's it.

John grabs his collar. He clearly doesn't know how stressful today has been to him.

"Look, I need that bear to give to that girl so that I can get the hat to the herbalist so that he'll fix the A.C. for the carpenter so that she can fix the plumbing for the mechanic so that he can fix that stupid stop light so that that sweet elderly woman can take care of Cupcake! Cupcake!"

He stares at John. Maybe he went over the top, but he is beyond caring.

"Geez, get a grip dude. Take the dumb thing. Didn't want it anyway."

He hands John the bear. Oh Victory how sweet your taste!

He proceeds to give the bear to the girl, the hat to the man, who then fixes the A.C. for the carpenter, who fixes the plumbing for the mechanic, who then proceeds to finally fixing the light for the elderly lady. When it is finally fixed, it returns red. The woman looks at John.

"Why thank you young man! You've been most helpful to this little old lady."

He blushes. "No need to thank me, you need to go home and take care of your pet."

She looks at him with confusion. "What pet dear?"

He is also confused now. "Your pet, Cupcake?"

She laughs. "Oh, what I said before? I meant that I have to decorate my cupcakes for my dear, precious grand-daughter. She's having a party at the amusement park today, but I forgot to decorate the cupcakes." She reaches into her bag and pulls one out. "Here you go Deary, a little reward. They're the best kind, straight from Betty Crocker's recipe book." She gives him one last smile, and turns to walk across the street.

John glares at the cupcake. While the elderly woman had the best intentions, she has given him evil. But, it is a gift, so it shall sit in his refrigerator, to remind him that even though he may leave his house, Crocker will always be following him.


End file.
